What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 13:53
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What celebrity do you admire the most?
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is the most inappropriate thing your wife has done in front of you?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What do most wives fantasize about?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ive learnt so much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Which fish tastes good for South Indian curries?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What are some cool confidence hacks?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When she asked me how she looked .
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
It was going to be , some day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.